I say things more clearly through my fingertips than my lips. I have learned it is so much easier for me to clear my head when I am writing. When I try to talk things out I get flustered and turned around, and usually botch the whole job of it. It is almost always easier for me to write a letter, an email, a message, even a text. My heart gets in the way when I try to speak of my emotions or intentions and my tangled tongue refuses to convey the necessary thoughts. But when I am writing it flows for some reason, my fingers allow the placement of the words in a much more orderly fashion and that slight delay allows me the comfort of knowing I have a moment before that word or thought is released to the world. Perhaps it is a control thing, mayhap an insecurity. Either way, the written word is much more my friend than the spoken.
Recently I have become aware I speak through my fingers in a physical manner as well. I touch people, I hug my friends, I tap when I flirt; I grab my son and swing him through the air when we play. I will graze your arm while I am talking to you just to let you know I am listening, or I will playfully shove you while my laughter rings across the room. I feel the need to connect with people on a physical field as well as a verbal or mental sparring ground. It makes sense then that my “Love language” is physical touch. There are five (if you don’t know of them, google it!): quality time, gift giving, acts of service, words of affirmation, and of course physical touch. Every person has a primary love language, meaning it is through this language they feel the most loved, and in response to this subconscious recognition it is also how we instinctively express love. But our love language is not always the other person’s and not recognizing that can cause instant strife in a relationship, one person feeling unloved and the other smothered. But mine is very much physical touch, with words of affirmation playing a very close second. So if I am with someone I can’t actually touch, I rely on their words to comfort my heart. It has always been of interest to me to see how this plays out between people. I know women who HATE to be hugged, my sister has a personal space bubble around her at all times and I used to annoy her incessantly (most of the time accidently) by simply standing too close. I however, could always use a hug. My son came up to me last night and hugged my leg, looking up he said “Do you know why I hugged you mommy?” I shook my head. “Because I love you THIS MUCH!!” and threw his arms wide. I wonder what his love language is going to be…
I used to worry I would overwhelm people with my affections, both in relationships and friendships. When I care about you I want to be near you, spend time with you, and bask in the simple comfort of being close to someone who shares space in my heart. When I tap, or touch, or graze, or trace that is my way of telling you I care. I simply care. It doesn’t mean I love you with unutterable devotion (but it could), nor does it mean I won’t ever leave you alone again (I have space too). It simply means by some act of you being you I have let you into my life, my heart and want to let you know that. Sometimes this is a bad thing, it makes it very hard for me to remain aloof, you pretty much see what I am feeling or thinking on my face. And if you can’t see me… I will just tell you.
No comments:
Post a Comment