This is terrifying in a non-committal way. I understand as long as I don’t tell anyone about this, the chances of someone seeing it are slim to none. I mean, everyone has a blog now, right? And who am I to think I have anything helpful to say to anyone. I am just a woman, one who has been hurt like everyone else, disappointed in her life, and has only just now come around to realizing it is okay to be there. To sit in the pain for just a moment in time and then give it over and move on. To see, on the other side, a world that is truly where you are supposed to be. Of course it isn’t where you would have chosen to be, but if the choices had been easy, if the arrival had been unimpeded, would you truly have enjoyed the end result as much? Probably! I mean, we can all buy a cake from the store and enjoy it immensely, and not lament the fact you didn’t put your blood, sweat and tears into it. But there is no pride, no sense of satisfaction, no joy in seeing it, tasting it, and sharing it. That is what we need to live in, as women, as people. That pride in our lives (though different than what we dreamed of as little girls), our loves (unrequited, painful, fulfilling, lost), and our families. Because we have done it, we are here, and we need to love us just as much as we love everyone around us. We deserve it! But dear God, it is hard! I am harder on myself than anyone around me. I am so willing to make excuses and reason away everything people do around me and to me, but when I look inward all I can think is “I should have…” Never think that. Don’t “should” on yourself. What does that fix? That constant berating, belittling, voice that says I should have gotten out sooner, I should never have fallen in love, I should not have quit my job, I should have tried harder, cried longer, given up. We all know that voice. That is the voice that comes out in the silence, when we just sit with ourselves in those quiet moments. That is the voice that knots up our stomachs, causes us to reach for those crutches (family, friends, men, alcohol, etc.), heightens our anxiety in life and magnifies every perceived imperfection. I have worked so hard, through lost family, a lost husband, abuse, neglect, and self-imposed exile to get where I am. To be that woman that passes herself (have you read Eat, Pray Love yet? Do it!) in the mirror, the reflection in the glass, and sees a woman she respects and adores, becoming that has taken work. I still have a long way to go. But words help me, and if I can maybe… help someone else too… that is why we all have our stories really.
Second guessing,
ReplyDeleteIt seems to be a natural phenomenon that as humans, there is a tendency to second guess ourselves. This is why we are always holding back. Am I co-dependent, needy, too passive, controlling, or whatever we judge ourselves to be? The truth is we just are what we are, at that place in time. For everything we feel, every reaction we have, for every emotion we express, we should never forget that there is someone out there in this world who is need of whatever it is that we may be sending out. The first thought I had as I read this was of course about my own judgments of myself. Especially with regards to my being what some would consider overly affectionate. Yes to some perhaps, but to someone who also desires affections, or has been deprived of it, it is perfect. Codependency is another. If one is codependent, then this imbalance will only produce resistance; two forces at odds. On the other hand if two have the same value, something magical is created. This is not codependency, it is Inter-dependency, and this is a good thing. It does not mean that one cannot function without the other; quite the opposite. They function at a much higher level BECAUSE of the other.
It is difficult to say what might happen in the course of a day that can awaken us to our own beautiful truth; perhaps a woman walking out of a store to acknowledge something in us. Maybe sitting in a restaurant and overhearing a conversation that we needed to hear. Perhaps we find it in the lyrics of a song, or in a movie; or just maybe we find in by reading a post on a blog, or reading a profile on a singles site. It’s hard to say where our awakenings will come from. The key is to ALWAYS remain open, and more importantly to always look for how our own beautiful truth can inspire and bring hope to another.
I commend you on your choice to discover who you REALLY ARE. Too many people make excuses as to why life is doing “it” to them, rather than to ask, “What can I do with this, to make someone’s world a better place?” Too many people are trying to be everything to everyone, and failing miserably, rather than simply being genuine to themselves and being completely fulfilled knowing that they are SOMETHING to SOMEONE.
You are on a beautiful path, stay the course and all you ever dreamed will be yours.
Jeffery Alan Read